Love Is Pain
by Oaid
Summary: Ciel's dealing with his memory starting to come back  2nd chappy , and his feelings for Sebastian. He thinks feelings are worthless, and keeps away from them. I tried my best to stay in character! I'm very bad at descriptions. Rated M for later stuff
1. I love you

**(Okay so we're not confused: Ciel got his soul back and did not die, nor was he taken over by Alois Trancy. Alois is dead. Ciel has not been brought back as a demon, **_**yet. **_**Hehehe~ I haven't watched the anime in a long time so I forgot a few things. I know Sebastian put the ring back on his finger and his memories were damaged, so he does not remember getting his revenge. However this is to the point where he's re-met Grell, and all the other supernatural beings besides the angel. I hope this doesn't confuse you XD it's kind of an AU)**

"Good morning, my lord. Today's tea is Earl Grey, your favorite. Today's schedule is free, you may do whatever you do please, master." Sebastian opened the curtains, letting warming sunlight pour into the previously dark room.

The voice speaking was all too familiar to me, as I blinked up at the canopy above my head. My name, Ciel Phantomhive. The man speaking to me, Sebastian Michaelis. My butler. My demon. My beloved servant. Slowly I inched to the end of the bed, waiting for my servant to give me my morning tea.

Sebastian walked over and bowed, handing me a platter and placing a cup full of Earl Grey on top of it.

"Very good, Sebastian." I said in my normal voice while addressing him. Soft and monotone, as to not let any fear or other _feelings_ out. Feelings were just a waste of time. They meant nothing whatsoever. I sipped at my tea, blinking through one open eye at my slave, who was currently rolling socks up my calves. I should have been used to this by now, but every time he accidentally brushed my pale skin, it sent shivers down my spine.

Sebastian had noticed these shivers every time Ciel let one sneak out of his body, but he just smiled coyly and continued with his task. Once Ciel had finished his tea, he took the cup and platter from him, placing it on the cart. "Lift your arms, young master."

I did so as Sebastian ordered. **Ordered.** Wasn't he supposed to be the one giving the orders in this relationship? Wait - it wasn't a relationship. It was a master and servant.. Relationship. I suppose it is then, but I didn't like calling it that. Shaking these thoughts from my head, I lifted my arms, allowing Sebastian to pull of my sleeping top.

Sebastian also, as usual, told me to lift up my hips, which I did without a complaint. Pulling off my undergarments, he quickly replaced them with a clean pair, keeping his eyes latched onto my own azure and purple set of eyes.

I shifted a bit, a little more uncomfortably than normal. Why did this just feel different? It wasn't normal. Sebastian was looking at me in an odd way. A hungry way. Gosh, he could be creepy at times.

"Sebastian, I order you to stop looking at me like that," I said while giving my butler an agitated look.

Sebastian glanced up and gave his normal tug-of-the-lip smirk he gave me when he was amused with something I did, or someone else did. "Yes, my lord."

With that said and done, he continued dressing me. It felt like he was purposefully brushing up against me, rubbing on me lightly. He was _so_ creepy. But I somehow loved every minute of this affair. I sometimes dreamed of Sebastian laying in bed with me at night. I've commanded him to stay with me at night occasionally, but never to sleep in the same bed with me.

"I am finished, my lord." I was yanked from my thoughts at that, blinking down at Sebastian. "Ah, I see. Leave, Sebastian. I need time to think."

Sebastian nodded and bowed. "Yes, my lord." He got up, turned on his heel, and was gone in a flash. Finally, some time to think.

I lay on my bed, arms crossed behind my head, letting thoughts stir through my head. Sebastian the main ingredient in this mix of emotions. Did I care for him? No, absolutely not. Not at all. I hate Sebastian. I hate all of him. His smile, the way he bows for me, the way he gives me anything I want. I felt so spoiled by him. By _him._

This reminded me of someone whom I did not like remembering: Alois Trancy. Maybe Sebastian did care for me, just a little. Claude was so harsh on Alois, leaving him there to die when I stabbed him, actually _killing him. He wants (or wanted) my soul just as bad as Sebastian, and that was saying something._

_I flushed lightly when my thoughts drifted to when Sebastian had been about to eat my soul. His face was so close to mine. So close. I had wanted him to touch our lips, so badly, even if it'd mean I'd die (Even if I wouldn't have anyway, since I had been soulless at that point). I had been able to feel his breath on my face, and his soft hands when he had shrugged off my eye patch. I wanted him to do that again. _

"_No!" I practically screamed when these thoughts continued. I gripped my head, the seal on my eye flashing brightly. No. Sebastian couldn't mean that to me. He never would. He was just a butler. Just my servant. He'd just be there forever. My eyes were wide when I thought about that. He'd always be there until I died, until he took my soul from me. That should be soon. I was close to getting my revenge anyway._

_Before I could finish my thought Sebastian came in through the door. "I heard you scream, young master, and I came to-"_

"_Get out! Get out! Now!" I screamed at him, covering my ears with my hands. "That's an order! I don't want to see you, Sebastian!"_

_Sebastian looked a little taken aback by the harsh words, but bowed. "Yes, my lord." He disappeared with that said._

_I curled up in bed, blinking a few tears from my eyes. I love you, Sebastian Michaelis._


	2. Memories

**(Okay so heres second chappy c: I hope you liked the last one D: I was really iffy on it. Ciel's dealing with some mixed feelings at the moment, so he's a bit mood swingy/bipolar. XD)**

The next day I still felt rather terrible. My thoughts were amiss, scattered, and just _wrong._ I was having strange, not normal dreams. Then again, when ever did I? But these felt real. These felt right. I wanted to talk to Sebastian about it, but then again I didn't. I had woken up before Sebastian came in to get me. The clock stroke nine, and the door opened, as usual.

"It is time to wake u- You are already awake, young master?"

I gave him a solemn nod, my eyes downcast. I didn't feel bad about yelling at him. I just felt bad about everything. "Sebastian.. Please come to the edge of my bed."

Giving a nod, he did as he was told. I gently scooted over so I was next to him. "Sebastian, I have been having strange dreams. Maybe you can give me some insight."

Sebastian nodded. "Of course, my lord."

I took in a breath and started explaining. Angels. An organization based on purity. Being called.. Impure.. Not wanted. These things all seemed true enough. But they were just dreams.

Sebastian smiled lightly. "It is nothing, my lord. Simply a dream." I took in a deep breath of relief. That's what I thought, but just hearing it from someone else made it seem truer than it was.

"Thank you, Sebastian." I nodded again, and told him to leave. I wasn't really in the mood to deal with anyone at the moment. I just wanted to be left alone to my thoughts.

"Yes, my lord." Were his only words. His usual words. I hated those words so much. Once he left, I curled into my pillow, holding it tightly like a child with their favorite doll. "Sebastian Michaelis.." I said in a soft tone. I loved that name. But what was his real name? What did he really look like? I wanted to know. Could I command him to tell me? Of course I could. I would do that.. Very soon. But for now, I just wished to sleep. Sebastian hadn't mentioned anything on my schedule. No one really wanted to invest in my company anymore - it was going downhill.

Releasing the pillow from my death grip, I slumped against the bed, sighing some. I wanted someone here, to hold me, to tell me it was alright. To wish me sweet dreams. I wanted my mother, my father. I wanted Madam Red, but I hadn't seen her in a long time. What was wrong with her? She had probably fallen ill. Then it flashed to my mind, a picture of her corpse in a bed of red and white roses.. No.. that couldn't be right. That was simply absurd.

I shifted a little bit. Sebastian hadn't dressed me, which was unusual and I did not like it. Cautiously I bit my tongue before calling for my butler. My butler. No one else's.

Sebastian appeared within moments, bowing. "Yes, my lord?" He lifted his head up a bit. He could tell I had been upset. Damn him.

"I would like to be dressed. Do not worry about the tea." I said, sighing a bit and looking once again at the red canopy that forever loomed above my head.

"Yes, my lor-"

"Sebastian! Don't. Don't call me your lord anymore. Don't say that ever again. That's an order!"

Sebastian smiled a little, well, it wasn't really a smile, it was more of a nonchalant smirk. "Of course. But what would you like me to call you instead, then? I have always called you 'my lord'."

I bit my tongue hard enough to cause a bit of blood to dribble down my chin. "Call me Ciel." It felt weird. Asking my butler instead of ordering him to do something, so I had to add the last part. "That's an order."

Sebastian got up and used the handkerchief stored in his pocket to wipe the blood from my chin. "Of course, Ciel. I will call you that from now on." I sighed a little in relief, pulling off my top and undergarments myself, scooting to the edge of the bed.

"Dress me, Sebastian." His name was like ice on my tongue. It burned the newly formed mark from my teeth. I didn't flinch when his hands went around my body, pulling on my clothes. I shoved him away once the task was finished. "Go." So many new emotions were rising in the pit of my stomach. It hurt. I hadn't felt this way since I was a child. Love. Compassion. Longing for something, for **someone.**

Sebastian nodded, eyes closed. "Yes, Ciel." He disappeared without a trace with that said. I almost missed him when he left.

**Almost.**


	3. I'll hate it

**(I added a new part to their contract X3 read on to find out what it is~ Heheee I'm so mean)**

Sebastian. What do you think of me? Sebastian. Why do you want my soul so bad? Why are you so obsessed with me? I tossed my forgotten shoe at my mirror, causing it to shatter, glass raining down. I cant deal with this anymore. None of this. It's all.. It's all just horrible.

Earlier, just an hour ago, I had told Sebastian to leave. I had been so harsh on him. But he wouldn't care. He's just serving me to eat my soul. I don't even want my revenge anymore. My parents, avenging them in meaningless. I don't want to let go of my hate. I can't. My hate is what drives me. My hate, is what keeps me and Sebastian together. I can't let go of it. If I did, everything would change.

"S-Sebastian.." Why did I want to stay with him so badly? Why did I want him to stay with **me**? He was just a pawn in my game, or so it started that way. But now, he meant a little more for me. My heart had grown out for him, tendrils reaching out and wrapping him in a death grip. I couldn't let him go. Then what would I have? I'd be dead, and lonely in death itself.

Sebastian knocked on my door. Apparently he'd heard the mirror shatter, or he'd heard his name. I hesitated a moment. "Come in, Sebastian."

The door slowly opened and Sebastian held a broom and broom pan, going to sweep up the bits of broken mirror. He was quick at work, but started talking nonetheless. "If you miss me, you should tell me. If you don't want to die, you should tell me. If you love me, you should tell me. I cannot leave you until the contract has finished, and I have devoured your soul."

I cringed some. "Sebastian. What if I no longer want my revenge? What will happen then?"

Sebastian stopped mid-stroke, eyes taking on their deadly red glow. "After four years of serving you have passed, I must eat your soul. It has been three and a half. It is getting time."

I shifted a little bit. I had completely ignored Sebastian's asking of me to tell him things. Things like if I loved him. "Sebastian, I do not want my revenge any longer. I cannot let go of my hate for everyone, for every**thing.** You may eat my soul in 6 months."

Sebastian licked his lips, opening his mouth slightly in a hungry gesture. "Yes, Ciel. However, I have noticed your feelings for me. Human feelings."

I grunted lightly at him, eyeing him. "I do not have feelings for the likes of you. It is false. Do not bring it up again, Sebastian. That is an order."

Sebastian smirked a bit. "Yes, my lord." He got up and put the glass in the bag he had brought, tying it quickly shut. "I heard what you said. I hear everything you say. You should watch it." He held the bag and walked out with that, leaving me agape with pent up fear.

He knew? He knew I had said I love him? I just had to say his name with it, didn't I? He'll never leave me alone now.. He knows.. He really knows. But I don't love him! Do I? I had said it, hadn't I? Well, maybe I did, but I didn't mean it! There's no way I could love the likes of him. No way whatsoever. I hate him. Do I? I don't think I do. Maybe I think of him as a friend, _maybe. No, of course I don't. Gah! Why do these emotions have to be so difficult? I give up._

_Flopping down on my bed, I sighed, rolling around a few times before sitting up. Maybe I could kiss him. If I did, I would know for sure if I liked, or loved, him or not. No! That was absolutely ridiculous. But then again, I mean, if I hated it, then I'd know I'm just being stupid, but if I wanted more, then I'd know my suspicions were true. Damn it. Damn it, Sebastian. Fine. I'd do it._

_But I'd hate it. I know it._


	4. I hate you

**(Sooo new chapter! I wrote a Loveless fic if anyone wants to take a look CX)**

Okay. I could do this. It was just a test, nothing more than a test. I hadn't slept peacefully during the night at all. Emotions and memories were flooding back to me. I couldn't take it - It was just too much. Sebastian Michaelis. Why do you have to do this to me. I woke up around five in the morning, waiting impatiently as the hours ticked by for my butler. **My** butler. Why did that sound so weird all of a sudden? Nothing had changed.

When the clock rung nine, Sebastian entered. "Good morning Ciel. I see you are up and about again. Could not sleep?" He said with that leisurely grin I hated so.

I huffed. "Where's my tea, Sebastian? I am thirsty. Don't dawdle! Come now."

Sebastian nodded. "Yes, Ciel." He grabbed a platter, going through the routine and pouring me a cup. "Enjoy." He let me finish my tea before starting to undress me.

"… Sebastian?" His name came off my lips like a stutter, causing the butler to glance up at his master.

"What is the matter, Ciel? Did I displease you?" Sebastian always asked this question. He could not displease his master under any circumstances.

I shook my head, setting the platter and tea cup on top of the tray. "No, Sebastian. You have not displeased me. I simply must ask a favor of you to quell the thoughts racing through my mind. The emotions."

"Oh?" was his response, accompanied by that fine smirk, not showing any teeth, per usual. "What may I help you with, Ciel?"

I shuddered a bit at the thought of what I was about to do. He looked so tempting - but I didn't want this. It was simply an experiment. Well at least, that is what I was convinced it was. "Come here, Sebastian. Kneel in front of me and be prepared for whatever I may do. Do not pull away." Sebastian bowed. "Yes, Ciel." Sebastian did as I had commanded him to. But, I was nervous. Could I really do this? Maybe. I gulped. Oh, this was… going to be difficult.

"Sebastian. Whatever happens here stays between us. Got it?"

"Of course, Ciel." He continued smiling. I hated that smile.

"Alright… well." I leaned in some, Sebastian just standing there, eyes open. "Well close your eyes, stupid!" He did so. Damn it. Just, damn it. I continued pressing forward until our noses bumped together. "Tilt your head." He did so again. He abided my every wish, perfectly. I gulped again, tilting my own head. It seemed like eternity before our lips met.

When they did, I gasped some. I liked it. I liked the feel of Sebastian's lips, and apparently Sebastian liked it too, because before I knew it I had a mouthful of his tongue. Gagging a bit I yanked away, wiping off my mouth and glaring. "I didn't _ask_ you to do that, did I?"

"No, Ciel. I just supposed you might of found it enjoyable. I am sorry for thinking for myself." I sighed. He always knew what to say to make it all better.

"…Fine. Now leave me. I have things to think about," I said with a huff.

"I will come get you at half to one. You have a meeting at two and you need to be dressed and washed. The meeting is at two, sharp." I sighed. Damn. A meeting. How I hated those nuisances. I hated a lot of things, apparently. Maybe too many things. Nonsense, you couldn't hate too many things.

"Fine, Sebastian. Just leave me alone until then."

"Yes, Ciel." He bowed once more then left, leaving me to my thoughts. I pulled my nightshirt back over my head and flopped into the bed.

I tossed and turned for a few hours, just thinking of how soft, how _smooth_ Sebastian's lips were. He was a demon, he was supposed to be harsh, brash, emotionless, right? Maybe he wanted me for sex. That would make sense. I have been told I'm desirable, even though I'm only 12. My 13th birthday was coming up, however, but I was not ready to have sex with anyone for that matter. Especially not Sebastian, and I don't think I'd ever be ready to do that.

The door opened before I even knew it. Sebastian was back, of course. The time had really flown by. "Sebastian, come dress me. Wash my hair as well. I would like to look presentable."

"Of course, Ciel." His normal response. Feh. I didn't love this man, no matter how many times I've said it. It couldn't be. He was so stoic… so clean cut and beautiful. No! No, I wasn't going to think like that anymore. I jumped, however, when I felt those all-too-familiar hands running my socks up my calves.

"Hurry up, Sebastian. I don't like your lingering touch on me. It is disgusting." Not true.

"Of course, Ciel. I would not want to make you uncomfortable." Sebastian was holding back so many witty remarks it almost fried his brain.

"Hurry. That's an order!" I whipped off my eye patch, glaring down at him like a lion eyeing his rival. I hated him, but I loved him at the same time. Was that possible? To love and hate? I needed to figure that out soon, due to the fact Sebastian was going to consume my soul very soon. In less than a year. That seemed like so much time, but I knew it wasn't. I blinked down when Sebastian said something. Didn't hear it. "What, Sebastian?"

"I said, please lift your hips up so that I may put on your trousers," he said, holding them up. I did as I was told. **As I was told.** Again, that statement flowing through my mind seemed to burn me. I took off my nightshirt before he had time to order me to do so.

Sebastian smiled a little. "Quite eager, are we?"

I smacked him at that. Right across his face. His face turned red from where my hand had landed, my face twisted in scorn and pain. "Do not order me around! Do not make such remarks at me, Sebastian! Have you forgotten your place!" The last statement was more of a scream than a question. I hated this, I hated being such a mess of emotions. "Do as I say and get **out**! I will dress myself, you insolent butler!"

Sebastian took a moment to respond, which I did not like. Apparently he still hadn't gotten used to my outbursts. "Yes, my lord." He went back to calling me that. Why! Was he not afraid to be hit again!

I did hit him again. "Do not disobey orders! You're no better then scum! I **hate** you, Sebastian Michaelis!"

**I hate you. Those words burned my tongue. Did I? Or was I lying to myself?**


End file.
